The Four Stages of Love
by Dgm-yoai-lover
Summary: AU KandaxOc. To think i could fall in love with anyone, let alone a relative, let alone another boy, was utterly ridiculous. SO why the f*@ can't i stop staring at his goddamn eyes! I don't even like chocolate!


**Hey guys, yeah, decided to write this ^^**

**I'm having a bit of a tough time so things are running kind of....not. Sorry. I'll get back to the other fics as soon as i feel better and the crap in my life calms down! Promise!**

**Please dont be too critical that i wrote an Oc ^^ Itsuka is a real sweetheart so give him a chance ne?**

**----**

**_First Love_**

_**Age Eight**_

_**----**_

_I'm from a large family. As in, it's huge. I'm not exaggerating like those people who say "my family's massive! I have four siblings!" or whatever. I'm not even talking about my immediate family; I'm talking about my extended family. I have upwards of Twenty first cousins, fifty-five second cousins, seventy-six third cousins, and so on._

_We all live on the same property. Every. Single. One. PLUS their families. As that idiot Usagi Rabbit Fluffle freak would say, we're the Sohmas with a different name. I hate that bastard... Comparing me to a fucking sappy shojo manga... What does that make me? Akito? Yuki? Probably Kyo since he's somewhat closer to my personality....__  
__Not that I know any of the characters._

_Despite the fact my parents both having endless siblings, I'm their only child. I'm also the heir to the family because my father was the first born of the main branch family. This would be where the idiot compares me to Neji from Naruto, but that's stupid because 1. HINATA is the child of the head of the main branch and 2. She isn't an only child. She has her sister Hanabi. Not that I read that shit. The fight scenes are too long and way unrealistic. How the hell do you use your ENERGY to transform into a giant shuriken? Masashi Kishimoto must be a stoner with a pen._

_I'm getting off course again. Damn Usagi distracts me with his stupidity...  
I'm the only child of my parents, but I have a multitude of cousins my age who all live very close to me. I didn't actually leave the Kanda compound until I was eight, so you'd expect I'd be really close to everyone right?  
Che, as if.  
My dad was always off doing family head stuff, my mother was always off gossiping or shopping (How many pairs of shoes does a woman need?) and I never got along with my cousins because they annoyed me. I'm not the socialising type, so I kept away from...well... Everyone and they in turn kept away from me. Life was ok like that, nice and quiet._

_Then, when I was four, my mother's brother, Kanda Urasunai, married a widower.  
This woman's maiden name was Kanda Ayame, a member of my extended family. However her relation to the family is so distant it wasn't considered incest. That kind of thing was common in our family, since if you didn't marry someone the head members approved of, you were disowned. My parents, for example, were seventh cousins.  
Ayame ran away when she was younger and moved to Holland. She'd run off with some Dutch guy she met in University, whose name is impossible to pronounce and because of this, she was disowned by the family cut and all ties with us. They had a son, then shortly after, the Dutchman Ayame married died in an accident, and the woman was all alone, with no one to help her. With no choice, she moved back to Japan, and married Urasunai. The family welcomed her back, and she lived happily ever after.  
Shitty two faced relatives...._

_Ayame was un-disowned, but she still had her mixed child._

_The family didn't like him very much, and mostly kept away from him. I could sort of see why. He was weird._

_He was half Dutch, half Japanese, so he should have been born with black or brown hair, but instead he got blonde hair like his father, but he had Japanese features like his mother. Ayame said it was just one of those random medical things that happened, like someone with eyes two different colours, but it only served to remind the family he was different. He was born from a disapproved marriage, which was as bad as being born out of wedlock to them. Probably worse.  
My family can be so stupidly annoying sometime... This is the 21__st__ century! NOT the frigging Edo period. Next to them, the Usagi looks like a genius. Only just though.  
He doesn't discriminate for no real reason._

_Itsuka was two when he came to live at the estate. He was extremely polite, nice and intelligent, the perfect kid basically. He was speaking Japanese fluently in a matter of weeks. He was always offering to help, no matter what shit was thrown at him from the relatives, and was always wearing a stupid smile. He put up with it. Normally I hated weak people like that who don't stand up for themselves, but I didn't punch sense into children smaller than me. I waited until they were bigger than me, THEN punched sense into them. It's what I did with the Rabbit.  
However, Itsuka was two years younger than me, and he was already small for his age, so it was apparent he would never grow taller than me, and I was forced to put up with him for eternity._

_He lived in the same building as I did, but I didn't meet him formally until I was eight and he was six. It was during the day, and my tutoring had finished, so I'd left to go for a walk in the gardens. When I'd stopped to look at the cherry blossom trees and wonder why they had to be so goddamn pink, I heard him coming._

_**Tap tap ow! Tap tap tap ow! Tap ow! Tap tap tap ow!**_

_I turned to tell whoever it was to shut up, and Saw Itsuka running down the path wearing a new Kimono. It was obviously too big for him, and every few steps, the hem would get caught under his wooden sandals. Most people would have laughed stupidly at that idiotic display, but to me, it just looked sad. The way he didn't just stop and lift up the hem before walking was annoying me too. Was this kid really all that smart?  
It was only a passing thought, but I was bored, so I walked over to where he had fallen._

"_You look like an idiot." I said to him in the usual monotone when I communicated for the point of insulting. I folded my arms, and then, he looked up at me with big shiny dark eyes, blinking. Fucking shota boys. _

"_Sorry... uh...Yuzuru...?"_

"_Just Yu."_

_My father's name was Yuzuru, so people often thought Yu was short for that. It wasn't though, my mother just called me that because my name "had so many pretty meanings". Stupid women... I'm a man damn it! Didn't it occur to her I wouldn't want to be named after a pretty thing?! There were better meanings, like courage, qualified, and masculinity, but because of my face (or as the rabbit puts it, my "Moe factor") people normally assumed I was named for the girly meanings, like tenderness, evening, and friend._

"_S-sorry Yu-sensei..."_

"_Sensei? I'm not your teacher. I'm Yu-San, or Yu-Sempai. I thought everyone said you were fluent?_

"_Sorry...." He apologised again, standing up and brushing himself off. The kimono was definitely too long; I couldn't even see his feet._

"_Go put on something else that fits, you look ridiculous."_

_Satisfied with my insults, I then turned and started walking away, but I could hear Itsuka following me, his straw sandals flopping against the stone. How annoying._

"_I know it's too big." He caught up with me, smiling at me like I was interested. "But Ka-Chan bought it for me! It would make her sad if I didn't wear it."_

_I glared at him. That normally made people go away, but he just blinked stupidly. His eyes looked like melted chocolate. I hated chocolate. It was too sweet. Like his shota face. Didn't he know looking like that was dangerous in a world full of fetishists and rapists? Stupid kid..._

"_And you assume I care because?"_

"_Because you took the time to come over and tell me to get changed."_

"_Well I don't." I attempted to increase my glare in order to scare him off, but he didn't even flinch. He just stared back politely. "I only said it so you'd stop annoying me with your stupid tripping." I sighed in exasperation, "Didn't it occur to you your mother would prefer you to take off a big kimono, rather than finding out you impaled yourself on a tree branch when you fell over on the thing she bought for you?"_

_He started blinking stupidly again, with those giant chocolate eyes of his. Was it normal for a Japanese child to have eyes that big? From a distance you'd think his eyes were black, but up close it was dark, dark, chocolate; another thing that set him apart from the family. Everyone from my family had either solid dead black or gray. His eyes were deep too, deep and sparkly, like light was coming from them. My eyes were shallow graves, not sparkly, but more mirror like, reflecting everything I looked at like a pool of water. He really was the weirdest kid I'd ever seen._

_I realised I'd been staring and mentally shook myself out of the trance before stalking off swearing under my breath and muttering about wasting my time, just loud enough so he could hear me. He seemed to take the hint, because he didn't follow me._

_----  
__I was in a bad mood at dinnertime. I was pissed at myself because I didn't know why I had gotten so distracted by the blonde brats' eyes. I was also pissed because now I couldn't stop looking at them. He was sitting at the end of the table alone, the younger cousins all chatting and ignoring him. I didn't know why but I kept glancing down at him every minute or so, trying to see his eyes. Its pretty fucking difficult to see someone's eyes when their head is bowed over their food. That only served to piss me off even more. I swore under my breath and wrenched my gaze from his stupid blonde head to look down at my plate. It wasn't as interesting, just a clump of soba noodles with vegetables and a few rice balls on the side. I always picked the vegetables out. My older relatives always lectured me about eating healthier and wasting food, but if food get's wasted, it's their fault for putting it on my plate in the first place. Adults are so stupid sometimes._

_Soba was my favourite food but I didn't feel like eating. I scowled at my food. Being confused pissed me off, and on top of the stuff about Itsuka's eyes, I had a nauseous feeling in my stomach._

"_Che...." I muttered, pushing back my plate "Probably the smell of the damned vegetables..."_

_One of my female cousins sitting next to me leaned over. "Yu-Sama, can I have your rice balls?"_

"_No." I replied irritably. She frowned._

"_But you're finished aren't you?"_

"_No."_

_I then did something stupid; in defiance, I picked up the rice balls and stuffed one into my mouth, followed by the next two. I chewed, and gulped down some water to help me swallow because my mouth had been inexplicably dry since that afternoon. I didn't want to eat them, but I was extremely territorial about everything to the point I would save my unfinished food from being taken by someone else by eating it, even if I was unwell or full. _

_Of course, a few moments after I swallowed, I felt sicker and my stomach churned. Without a word to my cousin and without bothering to clean up my plates, I stood up and hurried from the room, then ran down the hall, looking for the bathroom... Well one of the bathrooms. I was in the main house, which was huge, even though only me, my parents and my grandparents lived in it full time. The walls were all covered in scrolls and paintings, and the windows and sliding doors I passed were made of the finest quality rice paper with complicated exotic designs on them. The floor was cool, and the timber was polished to the point it was like a brownish mirror. Sometimes I wondered if I lived in a house, or a palace._

_I turned a corner and found a bathroom, opened the western-style hinged door, and rushed inside. There was a painting of fish on the wall, and a bouquet of fresh flowers on the bench top next to the sink. I ignored all that, and went to the toilet, lifted up the lid, sat on my knees, and waited._

_Nothing happened._

_This confused me further. Normally when I felt this nauseous and sick, I threw up. Though, this kind of feeling wasn't the kind I'd ever had before, this one was more....Numb, but still aching. It was weird. But it was painful and I definitely felt nauseous, so why wasn't I throwing up?_

_I heard the door open._

"_Yu-Nii-San? Are you alright?"_

_I turned around to glare. Itsuka stared back at meet, those deep, annoyingly big chocolate eyes were full of concern, right hand still on the door knob and the left gripping the front of his kimono. How stupid. Didn't he know to mind his own business? At least he'd changed into something that fit him._

"_Go away, I'm busy." I turned back to the toilet bowl, a fresh wave of weirdness hitting me, "And don't call me Nii-san. I'm not your brother."_

"_People call each other Onee-san and Nii-san without being siblings....And are you really alright? You're leaning on a toilet." I heard him step closer to crouch beside me. I cast a sideways glance at him, and I felt faint. His eyes... What the hell was with his eyes?  
"Was something in the food, Nii-San?"_

"_I didn't eat."_

_To my annoyance, he put his hands on my face, turned me so I looked at him, and then felt my forehead. I must have been angry, because I could feel my face going red. He frowned, looking very shota-ish. More weirdness washed over me, and I was hit by the sudden desire to push him away and run, anything to get away from those pools of dark chocolate. But as much as I wanted to escape, I also couldn't stop looking at them. Was he that weird looking that I couldn't look away?_

"_You're hot... Do you want me to go get Aoi-San or one of the other adults?"_

"_No. I want you to leave."_

"_But-"_

"_Looking at you is making me feel sick." I finally managed to look away. "So get lost and I'll feel better."_

_Normally when I said something like that to someone, I felt satisfied having insulted them. But when I looked up to see his face having gone blank and his sparkly eyes go dim, I felt a burning in my stomach. I'd never felt guilty before._

_Yet another thing to be confused about. Fan-Fucking-Tastic._

_Itsuka bowed his head in apology then left without saying another word._

_----_

_After a while, the nausea got better, so I made my way back to my bedroom. I tried not to think about Itsuka and how I'd hurt his feelings, but I couldn't get his sad face out of my mind. I told myself if he was sad it was his fault and he shouldn't get over it, but I didn't feel any better. Along with the nausea and the guilt, I now had a constant dull ache in my chest.  
I was getting unbelievably pissed off. I had no idea what was going on!_

"_Yu-Kun!"_

_I looked up. My mother was walking towards me. She'd already changed out of her Kimono and into her western clothing and jewellery, probably planning on going out with her friends since it was a Friday night. I exhaled, and waited for her to stop in front of me. She and I had never been close, but she loved me enough to check up on me every now and then, or something._

"_Yes, Okaa-San?"_

"_Ayame's boy told me you were sick. Do you want me to take you to Ayano?"_

_Ayano was my third cousin, a doctor. I shook my head._

"_No, I feel fine now...." I made to walk past her, but... I wanted to know why I felt so strange. I looked up at her. "But what does it mean when I get a stomach ache and chest ache every time I look at a certain person, but it still don't want to look away?"_

"_Oh, that means you have a crush on someone!"_

_I could only stare at my mother in horror. Trust a mother to make everything worse._

_----  
_

_To think that i could actually like someone, let alone have romantic feelings for them, was impossible. As a toddler, I had seen all the lovey-dovey couples with their ridiculous baby names, their informalities, and their disgusting displays of affection (How could anyone like kissing?! It's sharing spit!) And I had taken the vow to never become one of them. I would live a happy, celibate, girl-free life of singledom, a lone man making his way through life as he pleased, without a silly female on my arm calling me "pookie", complaining about clothes, and wasting money on makeup that made her look like a kabuki actor rather than an actual girl.  
Then again, it seemed as though the person I had fallen for was male, so maybe I wouldn't have those problems, but that only made MORE problems spring up. Was love between men even possible? I had only ever seen men with women in relationships like that. If I was going to break my vow and marry someone, I think I would have preferred a girl. It was less weird._

_I was confused I had fallen for a boy (though I was pretty sure it was merely because his face was so girly that I liked him and the attraction was purely physical), but I liked him nonetheless. I wasn't sure why, but I did, and it pissed me off to hell and back. How the fuck could I have let this happen?!_

_Why did people bother with this crush-love-romance shit anyway? I didn't feel "floaty" and "fulfilled"! I felt fucking awful! It felt like there was a vice in my chest!_

_And then there was the stupid guilt in my stomach... All I'd said to him was that looking at him made me feel sick, and I felt bad for it. It was ridiculous. I'd said much worse things to people and felt nothing! _

_I buried my face in my pillow and let out a groan of agony. All sorts of fucked up emotions were spinning through my entire body. Why the hell did lovesickness have such a celebrated reputation?! It was just....._

"_Kuso....." I sat up and pushed my hair out of the way to rub my eyes stressfully. "Maybe I should apologise or something...."_

_After a moment, I gave in. I stood up, slid my door open, exited my room, and walked along the still-lit hallway until I found a way outside. I stepped into the cool night air and walked down towards the other family houses on the property, looking out for the kanji that would spell Urasunai's name, painted next to the front door. _

_As far as I could remember, I'd never willingly apologised to anyone. I hadn't seen the need to, because I had been right. I was right this time too; looking at Itsuka really DID make me sick!  
But I suppose he probably didn't need to hear that. Especially seeing as how bad I was feeling because of it. Yes. I was only going to apologise so I would stop feeling sick. I couldn't care less about how HE felt. Just because I liked him a little didn't mean I had to treat him like he didn't annoy me. He wasn't as annoying as the rest of my cousins; he was only annoying because he didn't stand up for himself. That, and his damn big eyes seemed to be capable of witchcraft. When I spotted his house and walked over to his front door, I had to remind myself not to make eye contact. If I did, I might fall under another of his spells. It had to be a spell I was under. I hated chocolate._

_I knocked on his door and folded my arms, waiting.  
To my surprise, instead of Ayame or Urasunai answering the door, Itsuka did. My heart suddenly jumped when I saw his big eyes, sparkling even in the twilight of outside, and I immediately directed my gaze to the step I was standing on, inwardly swearing and wishing I hadn't come. I cursed myself for being a coward.  
He had already changed into some over sized pyjamas. Maybe his mother was one of those people who bought everything two sizes too big so the child could grow into them later._

"_Yu-San?" my heart jumped again when he said my name. Great. Now his voice was casting a love spell on me too.  
My mouth had suddenly gone dry. I swallowed nervously, though I didn't know what I was nervous about, and I clenched my fists as I took a deep breath, forcing myself to speak._

"_I'm sorry about before when I insulted you..." my voice was weirdly quiet, "I-I wasn't feeling well and I only meant th-that looking at anything made me sick. You know how when you feel sick, hearing noises or looking at certain things like bright lights make you feel sicker?" I sighed heavily, letting my fists relax in defeat, "Looking at your eyes made me feel sicker because they're bright and sparkly."_

_I couldn't believe I'd said that. It sounded like one of those silly lines from a shojo manga, but it had been the truth and I had said it. I looked up to meet his dark chocolate gaze.  
He was staring at me in slight surprise, blinking stupidly. I felt my face heat up, but I refused to break eye contact._

"_W-Well?" my voice shook. I had never stuttered before this. Stuttering had been for weaklings, but even though I hated to admit it, love had weakened me, at least around him._

_He finally spoke, his voice sounding cautious. "So you don't hate me? When I spoke to Aoi-San she said you hated most other kids who spoke to you....."_

"_Well, I don't. Okaa-San doesn't know everything about me. I...." I forced myself to speak, my voice getting stronger, "I really.... I really like you!"_

_Running away seemed like the best option then, but my pride prevented me from doing so. I stood my ground, staring up into his eyes, determined not to lose, and fighting the blush on my face. I tried to read his surprised expression, wanting to know what he thought. Was he going to reject me? Accept my confession? Would he be angry or sad or freaked out? Would he be happy or slam the door in my face?_

_He merely smiled cheerfully._

"_Thank you Nii-San, I really like you too!"_

_To me, that had been like a slap in the face. I muttered a quick good night, then turned and hurried back across the property to my own house. As I entered my room, I stared blankly around for a moment, and then screamed, picking up whatever I could to throw against the wall_

"_FUCKING HELL!"_

_He hadn't understood what I had meant! He only liked me as a friend!_

_----_

_**And that's how first love was.**_

**_----_**

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**I wont post the next chap until after i have ten reviews. This fic will be about different stages of love. Next chapter: Puberty.**


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